The Land of Make Believe

The Land of Make Believe

The other day, during my daily job hunt, I found a job listing on a Publisher's website and clicked the link to fill out the online application, (the only way to apply).  There's nothing unusual anymore about being required to fill out an online job application; it's common practice now.  In theory it seems like a more expeditious and simpler-to-review way of submitting one's various application components; online applications are supposed to streamline the process for both the employer and the applicant.  Online forms and upload capabilities are supposed to make the process concise, organized, and time-saving.  (Right?  I think?)  However, the truth is that they are often: 1. needlessly tedious and unreasonably time consuming (often due not only to their pointless redundancies and poor organization, but also as a result of inevitably occasional internet/website issues, etc.), as well as 2. --in this case-- just plain bizarre.  All of this contributes to a job seeker feeling additionally and increasingly aggravated and discouraged, which is not conducive to the necessary continuation of the process of applying to jobs.  In some cases I've had to spend up to two hours just filling out one of these applications, and therefore, applying to multiple jobs each day can truly feel like a (apparently dead-end) full time job without pay.  And when one doesn’t hear back from any of these jobs it’s difficult to reason with oneself that one should continue to apply to anything at all, (but obviously, since one needs to, one will).  I don’t always agree with this adage, but the whole “Insanity is doing the same action over and over again expecting different results” thing, well, one simply can’t afford to believe that to be true if one is to motivate oneself to continue applying to jobs, while one continuously yields no results doing so.  Eventually one of these jobs might call back, and that’s why one has to continue to try.  It’s pretty pathetic.

Anyway, back to this particular online application.  The first step, as it often is, was filling out a “Profile”, which contains fields in which to type answers to basic employment-relevant questions, such as: “Are you at least 18 years of age?” and “Are you a U.S. citizen?” etc.  However, in addition to this, another question was posed, a question I had thus far never seen on an online job application: “Would you like to import your profile from your LinkedIn or Facebook account?”  LinkedIn I understand; it’s a “professional” networking site, meaning that its intended purpose is to facilitate networking in terms of jobs and professional endeavors.  Facebook on the other hand, well, I’ve certainly never thought of it as professional, at least not in terms of its intended purpose being in any way similar to that of LinkedIn for example.  Perhaps some people create separate professional-only Facebook profiles in addition to their personal ones, but it’s not something I’m familiar with.  I do have Facebook pages associated with various projects and personal small businesses of mine, but not an entire profile dedicated to my professional persona.  Well, I guess it must be becoming the norm, or this company at least believes it is.  I had just never come across this before.  Personally, I would really like for my usage of Facebook to remain very separate from my career-related online interactions.  This is a personal choice.  At least, I hope it’s still a choice.  I think if it does not remain a choice I really must jump ship on a matter of principal.  I’m really ready to jump ship on a lot of things, but that’s a whole other blog…Anyway, I digress, again. Back to this online application, again.

Here is another major complaint of mine about these online applications, regarding a needless redundancy eating my time:  Why must I fill out prior employment information three separate times?  First I upload my resume, which includes my employment history.  Then the online system "automatically extracts the information from [my] resume and puts it into a form", and guess what?  It's all filled out wrong, of course.  So then I have to fix everything on the form.  Then later on in the application they have yet another form that I have to fill out with my employment history.  Three times!  Why?   But these are the typical, baffling, and frustrating details.  Now on to the fun stuff...The stuff that requires the suspension of disbelief usually only necessitated by fantasy-themed forms of entertainment...

At the end of the application was a standard letter, asking that the applicant confirm that he/she has read and agrees to certain things regarding the processing of the application.  In person, with actual paper and pen, these letters are signed and dated to show confirmation.  However, this is an online application, so signing one's signature is not possible, unless a drawing function is available, which it was not.  So how is one to sign?  Well, in this case, there were two blank text fields.  One said: "Please print name" and the other said "Please sign name". As if my TYPING MY NAME into these boxes is either a signature or a printed name. What is this, the land of make believe?  Let's just pretend I'm actually printing and signing my name!  Weeeee!  This is fun!  Come on.  What is the purpose/need for such a transparently absurd construct?  A formality?  As if linking to my Facebook profile is a "formal" way of applying for a job?  But I guess now it is (?)…

(Obviously what is standard or normal is being redefined all the time; this is the direction things have been moving in.  At least people a generation or two before me can reflect on memories of a time in which people actually conducted business face to face, or in writing (very well written writing at that), but I have no memories of such a time, just my imagination and disappointment at its incapacity for fulfillment.  Yes, I know there were a lot of things not good about the way things were a generation or two or more back, but some things were better in my opinion.  You are free, of course, to disagree, these are just my personal feelings.  This is a much larger discussion, which I won't delve into right at this moment.  I just wanted to air my grievances regarding this totally bizarre and frustrating online job application process.  But, as always, I am ever determined to allow laughter to triumph and reign -- albeit somewhat insane, hysterical laughter that verges on crying.)

Grammatical Errors and Typos in Job Ads

After a while, madness settles in to keep you comfy and sedated in defense against the cognitive and soul-pummeling modern brutality of an incessant flow of commonplace irony relating to grammatical errors and typos in job advertisement copy (Phew!).  This is such a pervasive issue that it seems pointless for me to even attempt to report on it, but I'm just going to go for it and use one example at a time.  My first example (which I'm choosing because it's from today and is really nothing compared to much of the stuff I encounter) is below, (a passage taken from the job advertisement copy of a staffing agency's website (web address below)):

http://www.flex-staffing.com/admin_assistant.asp?l=NYC

QUALIFICATIONS:

• Requires ability to properly read and write well enough to type, edit, and proof general business correspondence and prepare reports as normally acquired through completion of a high school education.
• Awesome clear communication skills. Comfortable with phone systems and corporate PBX systems.
• Typing and proofreading ability
• Experience with Microsoft office products, such as Word and Excel is necessary.

I will henceforth (if I didn't already) come off as a severely bitter and nit-picky person:  First of all, the first bullet point really doesn't make any sense.  I get what they're trying to say, but they didn't really say it.  Second, if three out of the four bullet points end with a period, why not four out of four?  And "Awesome clear communication skills"?  Where's the comma that's supposed to be between "awesome" and "clear"?  It's unfortunately absent.  There is also supposed to be a comma after "Excel" and before "is necessary".  Also, it's weird for an ad to use the word "Awesome" when everything else about the ad is so "formal" and technical (click the link to see the full ad), but I won't get on their case about that. I guess I just did, but not really.

In conclusion (this was a very short essay), I find grammatical errors and typos in at least 90% of the job ads I read (I have no background in statistics, but I feel comfortable with this estimation, and emphasize the "AT LEAST"), which range from part time basic data entry jobs for very small offices to full time w/ benefits positions at major non-profit organizations and private schools.  Although I understand that typos and grammatical errors happen, (yes, we're all human, blah blah), the madness sets in after a while because I put a lot of time and effort into my resume and my individual cover letters --a lot-- and in building my skill set toward finding a good job, and well, I haven't found one in a while, so I'm frustrated and exhausted (exponentially so, over time (which makes motivation exponentially more difficult to maintain)). Over the past two years I have only ever had independent contractor jobs and temp jobs.  And although I am very thankful for the work I have had and do have, I am endlessly frustrated and exhausted (yes, I'm using those words again because they are most clear and apt) by my search for a good full time job (or any full time job, frankly).  Student debt, degrees, a long list of supposedly valuable skills, an energy to always learn new things, and I'm replying to ads for jobs, in which the copy contains grammatical errors and typos.  Like I said, I understand it happens, but the unending ironic symbolism of it is enough to drive a person mad.  No, I'm not really insane, but: Things don't and won't make logical sense, as a rule... And isn't that normally considered "insanity"?  Oh dear, there I go again trying to make sense of things and demanding fairness and some kind of immaculate adherence to rules that is expected of me but not of my possible employers.  I'm such a fool.

P.S. Yes, I've used multiple parenthetical statements inside other parenthetical statements in this "essay", and have also used ellipsis, but like the header of the blog says, this is my blog and I can do whatever I want.  Plus, I'm a creative writer, and I enjoy playing with punctuation.  BUT I DO NOT PLAY ON MY RESUME OR IN MY COVER LETTERS because it's not appropriate or useful in those cases.  But this is my blog, so la dee dah. 

Hmmm...We shall see...

So, it's been over three months since I sent that letter to Andrews McMeel (see previous post), and I never heard back from anyone.  No real surprise there.  But...a few days ago I decided I was going to write to them again.  Why not, right?  I took a break from writing cover letters to actual jobs I had found and was applying to, and decided to write to Andrews McMeel again.  I revamped my original letter -and included my even more newly updated resume- and, as I originally did, made the subject header "Editorial Position at Andrews McMeel", and included it in my new letter, saying:


May 16th, 2011

To Whom It May Concern:

I am re-sending the following letter, which I originally sent on February 11th, 2011, in the hopes that I might receive a response.

For my birthday in January this year, my sister bought me the "GOYISH vs. JEWISH" desk calendar that your company, Andrews McMeel publishes.  I have been enjoying it tremendously.  However, today when I flipped the calendar page to the current date (February 5th), I discovered a typo!  The sentence reads, "You new house?  Lovely...just lovely."  Instead of, of course, "YOUR new house?..."  I have my MFA in Creative Writing and currently work as a freelance copyeditor and copywriter, among other things. (I am also a poet, visual artist and Teaching Artist in New York City).  I have decided to write you this letter, with plenty of humor, but in all earnestness, to request that you consider me for an editing position (or any other position for which you feel I may be well suited) at your company, Andrews McMeel.  I am willing to relocate.  I have attached my resume and CV to this email for your consideration.  I leave you with this:

GOYISH:  Not finding a typo.

JEWISH:  Finding a typo and then writing the publishing company to alert them of the typo and to ask that you be considered for an editing position.

(No offense to the Goyish, just making a joke in the style of the calendar...)

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this letter and for your consideration.  I look forward to hearing back from you.

Sincerely,

_______________            


 ^------  (I didn't include my name on this blog post, but obviously did so in my letter... I'm protecting my identity on this blog so that potential employers won't find this blog, know who wrote it, and be put off...lol...)

(I only put the letter in bold for the sake of the blog).  So... Again, I really didn't expect to hear back, but I hoped.  I did hope.  Well... This morning, when I checked my email for the first time of the day, there was an email in my inbox that, judging by the strangeness of the subject header (RE: W-0511-AE >), seemed like spam.  I opened it because who knows anymore, and I had a gut feeling it wasn't spam.  It wasn't.  It was the following letter from Andrews McMeel(!):

Dear __(me)___,

Thank you for submitting your resume in response to our posting for an Assistant Editor.

Your resume will be reviewed by Human Resources and if your qualifications and background meet our requirements for this position, we will respond to you within 10 to 15 business days. 

If you do not hear from us within 15 days, we will keep your resume in our database for the next 12 months in the event we have an opening that matches your qualifications.

We appreciate your interest in Andrews McMeel Universal as a potential employer.  We wish you the best in your career search.

Human Resources

Andrews McMeel Universal

Ha!  Apparently, unbeknown to me, Andrews McMeel is currently advertising for the position of Assistant Editor!  I had no knowledge of this whatsoever.  But apparently my new letter must have gotten put into the batch of other applicant letters writing to apply for this position!  And according to this letter (I'm going to go ahead and trust it, even though, obviously, you never know) my resume is going to be reviewed for consideration for this position and I will either hear back within 10-15 days, or I won't.  How totally awesome would it be if because of this second attempt at writing to them, and unknowingly submitting my resume for an actual advertised position I knew nothing about, I actually got a serious response!  Here's hoping!

How could I not at least give it a shot? :-)

February 5th, 2011

To Whom It May Concern:

For my birthday in January this year, my sister bought me the GOYISH vs. JEWISH desk calendar that your company, Andrews McMeel publishes.  I have been enjoying it tremendously.  However, today when I flipped the calendar page to the current date (February 5th), I discovered a typo!  The sentence reads, "You new house?  Lovely...just lovely."  Instead of, of course, "YOUR new house?..."  I have my MFA in Creative Writing and currently work as a freelance editor among other things (I'm also a poet and visual artist).  I have decided to write you this letter, with plenty of humor, but in all earnestness, to request that you consider me for an editing position (or any other position for which you feel I may be well suited) at your company, Andrews McMeel.  I have attached my resume and CV to this email.  I leave you with this:

GOYISH:  Not finding a typo.

JEWISH:  Finding a typo and then writing the publishing company to alert them of the typo and to ask that you be considered for an editing position.

(No offense to the Goyish, just making a joke...)   :-)

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this letter.  I look forward to hearing back from you.

Sincerely,

_______________            


 ^------  (I didn't include my name on this blog post, but obviously did so in my letter... I'm protecting my identity on this blog so that potential employers won't find this blog, know who wrote it, and be put off...lol...)

How to Get a Job, According to Last Night's Dream

Last night I had a dream in which I was walking around an outdoor shopping center.  I came to a store that was closed and locked up, with the lights off and no one inside.  I looked through the window and saw that it was a store that sold nothing but socks.  Then I noticed something on the wall next to the door.  It looked like a fire alarm.  It was a small glass box containing a small ax, with a tiny hammer hanging on a cord from the box.  There were words printed on the glass box.  The words were: DO YOU WANT A JOB HERE? or DO YOU WANT TO WORK HERE?  Something like that...I can't remember exactly now.  Then my sister came walking by and I showed her what the box said.  She said, "Hmm...I guess go for it.  Why not." (or something to that effect).  So I took the tiny hammer and shattered the glass box, removed the small ax and used it to break the lock on the door.  I opened the door and went inside, and suddenly the lights were on and a woman was inside working behind the counter.  She introduced herself as the manager and was very friendly.  She asked me if I wanted a job there.  "It's only part time," she said, "and it's only $9 an hour, but I think it's a very pleasant and relaxed working environment."  "Yes," I said, "I would like to work here part time, that would be great."  She hired me on the spot, after filling out some basic paperwork.  She told me that I just need to walk around and help the customers, and keep an eye out for anyone trying to steal anything.  "No problem," I said.  Then suddenly it wasn't a sock store anymore, it was a jewelry store.  She asked me if I liked jewelry, and I said yes.  I walked around the store to familiarize myself with the merchandise, and some customers came in and I greeted them.  Then suddenly it wasn't a jewelry store anymore, it was a clothing store.  It may have been the Gap (I worked there back in high school).  Suddenly I wasn't the only employee anymore, there were about ten other people working there as well, mostly teenagers, and there was now a co-manager as well, a man who looked to be about my age. Also, the size of the store had greatly increased.  The manager had us all go around and introduce ourselves.  I said I was a poet, an artist and a musician.  The co-manager excitedly said to me "I saw where you went to graduate school on your resume!  That place is awesome!"  I think we both recognized we were about the same age, while all the other employees were teenagers, so it seemed like we'd probably become friends.  Then the manager gave us all some free clothes, including a puffy black wintry vest and a red sweater.  I didn't like the red sweater and later on when I left work I realized the security tag was still on it.

...More happened in the dream, but it's not relevant to the topic of jobs...

...Sooo...I guess, if you want a job you have to break the door down...?

A Sad and Discouraging Dream About a Job

I posted this as a Note on Facebook on Tuesday, October 5th, 2010, 6:22pm.

Last week I had a dream that I was beginning my first day on the job as a front desk person for a school.  I arrived at the school and I opened the front doors.  Immediately upon entering, I was struck by the length of the front desk.  It almost took up the entire length of the large lobby, almost went wall to wall, but missed by a few feet on either side.  I saw two women behind the desk, off to the left side of it, and I walked up to them.  I didn’t know either of them from my interviews or correspondence.  I told them my name and told them that I was beginning work today as the front desk manager.  One of the women, who seemed to be in charge, told me that she would be training me.  She told me that the other girl was a part time assistant and was still in college.  She told me that I was taking over her job as front desk manager because she was going to work somewhere else.  She showed me a few things behind the front desk, such as pencils and paper, and I thought that seemed like sort of a petty thing to be showing me in light of how many responsibilities belong to the front desk manager, but I figured I guess she wants to start with the absolute most basic things.  I thought, At this rate, the training will lag on for months.  She then showed me a tv monitor hanging behind the desk, which showed a constantly streaming live video surveillance from the roof of the school building.  She said that they have a problem with kids going up on the roof when they're not supposed to, and she told me to pay special attention to the monitor at all times.  I understood the importance of keeping the students off the roof, but their intense attention paid to watching the monitor seemed like an immense distraction from them being aware of their surroundings in the actual lobby and seeing what’s going on from different ends of the extremely long front desk.  

The two women then continued to talk to one another and ignore me.  I tried to interrupt them in order to ask what they would like me to be doing or what I could be learning about, but the woman kept motioning to me with her hand to go away.  Obviously this was very unprofessional, but was also not entirely shocking.  I saw a young girl of about eight or nine approach the other end of the front desk, so I went over to her and said Hello.  She said hello and told me, "I'm here to pick up my 'equestrian tee shirt'.  We got tee shirts for participating in riding the horses," she said.  "Oh okay," I said.  "I just started working here today, so I'm going to go find out about that for you.  Hang on a minute, ok?"  I said.  I walked back over to where the woman was speaking with the other woman at the other end of the desk, interrupted them and told her what the girl had asked me.  "Oh yes, they're over there on that table by the front door," she said.  "They came from Fed Ex, they're all in envelopes with their names on them."  "Okay," I said, and I walked back over to the girl and showed her to the table with the envelopes.  I thought it was strange that they had left them all out in the open like that, on a table right near the front door.  There seemed to be a lacking in supervision and attention going on, and I worried that the packages were easy for someone to steal.  I asked the girl her name and she told me and showed me her student ID.  I found the envelope with her name on it and gave it to her.  She asked me if I could open it for her and handed it back to me.  I told her "Sure" and I began to unseal the top of the stuck-down envelope flap, by trying to tear it back with my fingers.  (Those plastic shipping envelopes are always difficult to get into without scissors.)  Then I heard the woman yelling and saw her running towards me, shouting, "No!  No!  Don't open it like that!  What are you doing?!"  The woman came over, holding a giant pen, about a foot long, inside which one could see the giant tube of ink.  She picked up the envelope and punctured it by sticking the tip of the pen into and through the plastic envelope.  She then pushed down on the back end of the pen, which caused the ink to slowly leak out of the pen and be injected into the envelope.  The envelope began to swell more and more with the steady injection of the ink.  The pen seemed to contain an infinite amount of ink.  The envelope bloated beyond its capacity to contain the pressure of the great amount of ink and the envelope began to burst at its seams.  Ink sprayed everywhere, including on the woman, myself and the little girl.  The woman then gave the envelope (absolutely sopping with black ink and messily busted open) to the girl and harshly told her, "Here you go, it's open now.  Go take your stuff somewhere else and clean it up.”   

Then I woke up.  :-(

The harsh and unfriendly (bizarrely so) attitude of the woman toward the little girl reminded me of the attitude of a boss of mine at a prior job at a tutoring center, where I worked last year for a short time...This is not the small tutoring company I mention in other posts, it was one center location of a large national tutoring company, whose name I won't mention on the blog.  I'll write about that story soon...

A Short and Non-Sweet Anachronistic Story

A little while after graduating from college in 2004, I went for an interview at a temp. agency.  The interview was pretty typical, I took some computer skills tests, editing tests, and had my resume reviewed.  Toward the end of the interview, the woman interviewing me told me, very seriously, that I "need to, from now on, when going on interviews and going into work, adhere to something [she] refers to as The Three P's: Pearls, Pantyhose and Pumps."  I was shocked! Come again?  What year is this?!  A woman is actually telling me, basically, never to wear pants?  Otherwise..what?  I'll never get a job?  So bizarre!  I think my response was probably just an "Um, okay." (with absolutely zero intention, of course, of listening to her "words of wisdom").  I felt sorry for this woman that she was still abiding by totally outdated concepts and I felt even worse for any woman that actually took her advice and believed it to be the only right way to do things.  A couple weeks later, a friend of mine went in for an interview at this same temp. agency.  I had told my friend this story and was curious if she would be told the same thing.  My friend ended up  meeting with the same woman, and yes, the woman told her the same anachronistic and sexist mantra: Pearls, Pantyhose and Pumps!  So strange.  So sad.